That dark day has arisen which no Manchester United fan thought would happen. A moment so appalling to think of it makes you sick to even consider it, but one must consider it with the chances of actually winning the league about as likely as Wayne Rooney turning down a trip to Greggs. Yes that moment I am talking about is when you realise that you have now become a Chelsea fan.
Now we all know that Chelsea gain new fans every day, in fact did anyone support Chelsea before 2003? It’s highly doubtful, and it is for that reason that everything to do with Chelsea is wrong. If it was not for Abramovich, Chelsea would more than likely have followed the direction of Leeds United and plummeted down the tables. However with their sugar daddy on hand, Chelsea turned financial distress into financial bliss and a number of trophies to boot.
That is the first thing I hate about Chelsea, their position in the league is not equivalent to where they should actually be. Chelsea are a smaller team than Newcastle, Tottenham and Aston Villa (to name a few), yet have found themselves winning or challenging for the league over the last ten years.
I’m not going to go and count how much money Chelsea have spent on wages or transfers since they became Chelski, but to quantify it some way I would describe it as shit loads, and that is the second thing I hate about Chelsea. Yes Chelsea bought each of their league titles, any of their cups and that Champions League they lucked in to. Chelsea’s dealings in the transfer market are largely at fault for the inflation of prices in both players wages and transfer fees over the last ten years. The Chelsea model is everything that is wrong with football and it is the reason that you can’t do anything but despise them and their late comer fans. A lot of ignorant people will come away with things such as ‘Utd have always bought the league’, but if you knew anything about football or finances (or football finances) you would know that that is not actually the case. Utd have always spent within their limits and continue to do so when so many others around them splash the cash on great players like Javi Garcia…
The third thing I hate about Chelsea is their fans. Yes not only do I think that clubs from London tend to have shit fans anyway who know little to nothing about football, it is not that which I truly hate about Chelsea fans. No instead the thing I hate about Chelsea fans is how every single one of them seems to have supported the club ‘before the money’……..Seriously? If you’re a bandwagoner (and most of them are) then just admit to it, don’t pretend that you’ve always supported the club. You never used to see Chelsea tops being worn, now you see them all the time. Why is that? It is because people bandwagon onto a successful team. I hate when I talk to a 10 year old Chelsea fan who then proclaims to me that he ‘supported the club before the money’, which if you can count to ten (use your fingers) you will realise that he must’ve came here in a time machine or is a wizard or something. yes it seems that every Chelsea fan supported the club before the money came in even though everyone knows that that isn’t actually true. I’m not saying that Chelsea don’t have actual fans and every top club has a level of bandwagoning (how ya doin City?) but Chelsea would have been lucky to boast of a support of 250,000 fifteen years ago, so come on Chelsea ‘fans’ stop pretending and tell the truth that you only really started supporting the club after the money and success arrived.
The fourth reason I hate Chelsea is the players. God does any club on the planet have more dislikeable players than Chelsea? I mean we’ve got John ‘the racist shags your bird behind your back guy’ Terry, Ashley ‘shoots interns and cheats on his wife’ Cole and John Obi ‘that ref’s a racist because he booked me’ Mikel to name just a few. Yes it would be difficult to throw together a more dislikeable group of fellows but yet Chelsea somehow managed to make it worse by also being managed by Jose ‘I poke you in eye’ Mourinho.
So I know what you’re wondering, you’re wondering if I miss typed the headline and it was actually meant to read ‘Reasons Why I Hate Chelsea’, and although I’ve had fun giving a selection of those reasons, I do find my self in that awkward position of now having to support a team which I despise.
You see we are about two thirds of the way through the season and you could probably still argue that five teams could win the league. Those five teams would be City, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool and Spurs. Now my first problem there is that the first four teams are my four least favourite teams in the league, my second problem is that the team which I could genuinely support get a nose bleed whenever they get even close to the top of the table. So why is it Chelsea? It’s a fair question, after all I’ve just went on about how Chelsea are everything which is wrong with football, and to answer that you need to evaluate the other three teams.
Man City are my least favourite team on the planet and are like a more ignorant version of Chelsea in every way. They spend more, their fans are worse, their players are dislikeable and they are totally out of their depth in terms of league standing. Yes City are the be all and end all of what is currently wrong with football. It is funny to think that not that long ago I didn’t care about City at all, yes their fans were still some of the most ignorant on the planet but they were a meaningless mid table (or lower league) team, a team which had dreaded wee man syndrome, and we all know that there is nothing worse than giving a wee man who has wee man syndrome power and success because it goes straight to their head.
Yet oddly enough after all my comments City are not the team which I want to see win the league the least, that team is Liverpool. Why is that I hear you craw, well it is pretty simple; Liverpool are a team which is stuck in the 80’s and seem to think that fluking a Champions League win against AC Milan is the most significant moment of the last twenty years of English football. So imagine if they actually went on to win the Premier League for the first time ever, they would be insufferable. Yes the smugness which Liverpool fans would show would be the worse possible outcome of this seasons Premier League.
So why not Arsenal? It’s a fair question but the answer is pretty simple, they’re not good enough to win the league. They showed it against Liverpool and then showed it again against Utd (who can’t score against them?), Arsenal are beginning to drop off and will have to be careful that they don’t slip out of the top four, never mind win the league.
That leaves only one, the unthinkable situation where you discover that Chelsea are your best option of not being totally disgusted with the season outcome. It’s hard for me to say because I don’t like Chelsea (as may be evident from this post) and I adamantly predicted pre-season that they wouldn’t win the league, but what else can one do? You have three awful situations which you don’t want to see happen (being shot, getting stabbed or getting kicked in the nuts), but you know one has to happen, so you decide to take the kick in the nuts because you know that probably won’t kill you whereas the other two might. That’s right Chelsea are a kick in the nuts, but when you sit seventh in the table you can’t really be too picky, can you?
So leave a comment about why you hate teams in the Premier League and maybe about who you want to win the league, either way I’ll be crying as I think about (insert any Utd game this season). Plus find all the latest bm23sportsreviews updates on Facebook and Twitter.